More Crap

I've been talking a lot to my husband.  I was so mad at him for minimizing and lying!  He's following me around like a puppy but I feel like I'm the dog that doesn't learn from being kicked.  I realized that I am not going to be married to a sex/porn addict the rest of my life.  It would be tough.  I'm not used to budgeting anymore and it would be tough dealing with my severely autistic 15 yr-old.  But I could do it.  I realized with my cold anger that I could literally wake up one day and be completely emotionally done.  That is why my former sister-in-law is facebook friends with her ex-husband.  She was completely emotionally done with him.

So, moving forward J better not do this again.  I won't do this for long.

I think he hasn't worked hard enough on his recovery.  He wasn't completely honest.  He minimized.  I feel like he made a conscious, sober choice to look at porn.  He only told me about the porn when he called me the next morning. He didn't tell me about masturbating until I asked him the next day.  He called his sponsor a day after he told me and talked to the bishop 4 days after.

Why don't men receive any consequences?  I feel that porn addiction doesn't affect whether or not they'll get a calling, be allowed to bless or baptize, go to the temple.  I don't think the church really fundamentally takes this seriously.

I have one boundary:

No man that has looked at porn within a year can give me a blessing.

Because I don't think they have priesthood authority because they haven't been honoring their covenants. And I don't get the benefit of the priesthood.  I might as well just pray for myself.

And, yes this is going to make for an awkward conversation with my bishop when I ask him, "have you looked at porn in the last year?"  But I am done with getting less power from priesthood ordinances than I deserve from men who have accepted the responsibility of holding the priesthood!

Good Times

I think I've pulled out of the worst of it.  At least as long as my husband continues to recover.  I feel a little guilty about my husband's recovery.  Maybe a little survivor guilt?  Why did my husband choose to mostly tell me the truth within a month of my questioning?  Why was I lucky blessed enough to have a sister going through the same thing who could support me and fold me into her support network?  Why was I blessed to have so many resources?  And my husband blessed to instantly have a brother-in-law for a sponsor?  Why hasn't he slipped up once since July?

The biggest blessing was that I didn't know about my husband's sexual addiction until after he recognized the path he was on, didn't want it and was willing to change!