More Crap

I've been talking a lot to my husband.  I was so mad at him for minimizing and lying!  He's following me around like a puppy but I feel like I'm the dog that doesn't learn from being kicked.  I realized that I am not going to be married to a sex/porn addict the rest of my life.  It would be tough.  I'm not used to budgeting anymore and it would be tough dealing with my severely autistic 15 yr-old.  But I could do it.  I realized with my cold anger that I could literally wake up one day and be completely emotionally done.  That is why my former sister-in-law is facebook friends with her ex-husband.  She was completely emotionally done with him.

So, moving forward J better not do this again.  I won't do this for long.

I think he hasn't worked hard enough on his recovery.  He wasn't completely honest.  He minimized.  I feel like he made a conscious, sober choice to look at porn.  He only told me about the porn when he called me the next morning. He didn't tell me about masturbating until I asked him the next day.  He called his sponsor a day after he told me and talked to the bishop 4 days after.

Why don't men receive any consequences?  I feel that porn addiction doesn't affect whether or not they'll get a calling, be allowed to bless or baptize, go to the temple.  I don't think the church really fundamentally takes this seriously.

I have one boundary:

No man that has looked at porn within a year can give me a blessing.

Because I don't think they have priesthood authority because they haven't been honoring their covenants. And I don't get the benefit of the priesthood.  I might as well just pray for myself.

And, yes this is going to make for an awkward conversation with my bishop when I ask him, "have you looked at porn in the last year?"  But I am done with getting less power from priesthood ordinances than I deserve from men who have accepted the responsibility of holding the priesthood!

Well, he made it a year and 3 days

...and then he screwed up.  This morning he called and asked if I could talk.  It had been so long that my throat stayed clear and I said, "yes" easily.  I wasn't worried.  He said he was depressed and couldn't sleep.  I had told him things about my mental health that made him feel guilty and I had emotionally betrayed him and he was reeling from that.  I hadn't done anything to hurt anyone but me but I wasn't honest about it at the time.  I actually only term what I did as a betrayal because I read the book I love you but I don't trust you by Mira Kirshenbaum.  It's a great book, really insightful and because of it I realized I had a limited view of betrayal and that actually spending money earmarked for something else (for example) could be a major betrayal to another person.  But I apologized, promised never to do it again and I was pretty sure we had resolved it.  He flew to California on Sunday.  He said he couldn't sleep, couldn't stop thinking about it.  He got up and on the computer and when something came up he didn't turn away.

I have a few thoughts.  Why didn't he already have explicit results filtered out?  I search for things ALL THE TIME on the internet and pictures of naked women don't come up.  He said he rationalized to himself that because he didn't watch videos it wasn't so bad.  He said he looked at pictures for about 30 minutes.  He has promised to never use incognito windows so if his searches are not in his history I won't think he is being honest.  If he has not reached out to his sponsor or the bishop by the day he gets home I think this might be a big problem.

...

It was later that I looked at my email and saw an email from him from an hour before he called mentioning a bakery he wanted us to check out.  It's tone was breezy.  Why?  That doesn't make me feel comfortable.  I start thinking things like he wasn't planning on telling me.

Blah

Wow, my husband hasn't looked at porn since July 24, 2013 but I still occasionally feel like crap.  And my marriage still feels like crap occasionally.  And I'm starting to believe that God doesn't value women as much as men.  Because it seems like everything is about them.

Good Times

I think I've pulled out of the worst of it.  At least as long as my husband continues to recover.  I feel a little guilty about my husband's recovery.  Maybe a little survivor guilt?  Why did my husband choose to mostly tell me the truth within a month of my questioning?  Why was I lucky blessed enough to have a sister going through the same thing who could support me and fold me into her support network?  Why was I blessed to have so many resources?  And my husband blessed to instantly have a brother-in-law for a sponsor?  Why hasn't he slipped up once since July?

The biggest blessing was that I didn't know about my husband's sexual addiction until after he recognized the path he was on, didn't want it and was willing to change!

Meh

I feel kind of meh today.  Some women I know have posted today about their husbands looking at porn and not wanting the wives to tell anyone that they looked at porn.  Addicts kind of piss me off!  I would seriously want to smack my husband if he told me I couldn't work on my own recovery or tell people I needed for my support about his porn addiction.  Many addicts don't want their wives to tell anyone out of shame.  Which is completely understandable!  But it's not just the husband's (or wife's) problem.  It becomes the spouse's problem too.  My husband's porn addiction is my problem because it affects me and my children and my home!  It affects me if my husband lies to me, if I can't trust him.  If his actions changes.  If he acts like an addict and lies, minimizes, justifies, blame shifts, etc.

The affected spouse needs someone safe to talk to!  She cannot heal unless she has someone to talk to!  Her husband who is a porn addict is not that safe person.  If a spouse tells his wife she can't tell anyone he cares more about himself than her.  He is caught up in a shame cycle.  And he cares more about his reputation than the damage he has caused to his wife!  That addict is not in recovery.

My Unofficial Christmas Letter

This one is going to be about me.  I usually gloss over what I do because I don't like to brag but hey, I'm going for it!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas or Happy Late Hanukkah or Thankshanukkah or whatever you celebrate!  This has been an interesting and exciting year for us, full of minor fender benders Yes, even a little one including two of our own cars- one of which was parked.  Actually, both children have had an accident with another parked car in our driveway.  (I'm beginning to suspect our driveway is dangerous.)  A word of experience to all parents of future drivers out there.  It doesn't matter how responsible your child is, they will have an accident.  I recommend AAA's towing service. (And sometimes you will have to replace the tires on your daughter's car one by one as she manages to destroy 3 within one week's time.)

Our biggest news of the year was that I found out James was a porn addict.  Not the best news or what I ever expected to find out but sometimes you find out really sucky things!  So, I am pretty disappointed and disgusted and occasionally mad/sad/numb about that.  But the couple of days I just stayed in bed because of it, my husband stepped up and didn't complain.  Not that he really could have said anything.  I mean what would you say?  "Sweetie, I know you are laying in bed because you're super distraught over my virtual cheating, excessive porn use and beginning escalation but I'd really like you to make dinner."  No, you really can't.  Unless you are stupid.  So, clearly my husband had not lost complete functioning in his frontal lobes. YAY!

The good news is that James is on the path to recovery and has 4 months sobriety.  The bad news is that his frontal brain functioning is not yet 100% evidenced by his asking me if I wanted to celebrate his four month sober anniversary.  I obviously said, "Yes, why don't I give you a cookie every time you don't look at porn!"  Addicts are a little dumb.

I look forward to a year of chocolate, book reading, watching stupid TV and a porn-free husband.  

How pathetic is that?

In my opinion, only the porn-free husband because that should be taken for granted!

love,

Elizabeth

***I actually love that phrase: Porn-Free Husband it's like Free-Range Children but with a really vile allusion.  Now I have blog naming angst.  ARGGGG, maybe I should switch?

My Husband Cannot Make This Up To Me

I realized this truth today.  He is not capable of fixing me, our relationship, or most importantly himself.  There is not a quantifiable amount of regret he can display to help me feel that he understands the devastation he caused. And more importantly display enough regret for me to believe he is extremely motivated not to slip back into porn addiction!  He does not have the ability to make up for his actions.

I really want to see remorse ... a lot of remorse!  Enough remorse to overwhelm me and make me know that he is safe!  That he has recovered.  Unfortunately that is not in my husband's nature.  Nor does our society make it safe for men to learn how to display that kind of remorse.  And realistically ... how much would be enough for me?  Maybe a half an hour every day for three months?  Longer on the days I have more time?  Honestly, if I don't know, how can he?  Would I be willing to display that much remorse or do I just think I would "if I had ever done something so awful to someone I loved?"

I don't know if I will ever feel 100% safe enough in our relationship again.

Did I really ever feel that way?

But I know he is different than he was four months ago.  He's better.  I just don't know if I am.

****

Another day I'll write how Christ can make this up to me.

I'm sorry to have caused you pain.

Today my husband asked me if I wanted to celebrate his four month porn-free anniversary.

I said that I didn't think his "anniversary" meant the same thing to him that it does to me.  For me it's the anniversary of the day I found out my husband was a liar and virtual cheater.  And it's not even the day he stopped lying because, if he has stopped lying, it was only 4 weeks ago.

I told my husband James that I felt that he wasn't sorry for the pain he caused me.  I thought he was sorry for how his addiction and choices made him feel about himself and that he was a little sorry about me but that I feel that his sorrow is primarily about how it affected him and made him feel.

I see myself defaulting back into my old patterns.

When James and I were engaged one of his high school girlfriends flew out to see him for two weeks and they made out.  Well, they actually did a little more than that but I only found that out 4 weeks ago - a week after he went through his inventory with me!  He didn't tell me the night he went though his inventory with me because "he didn't want to get bogged down with the Jen issue."  And he actually had other really great things to share with me like going to a strip club in February and walking Amsterdam's Hooker District for an hour or so in November.

But my old pattern was, when I felt Jack didn't feel sorry for making out with Jen, was to fight with him to try to logically convince him he should feel sorry for what he did and that it was wrong.  Then when that didn't work, I'd fight with him because I was angry and hurt.  Then when he got mad at me I would feel bad that he was angry and have sex so he wouldn't ignore me for days.  So, it was an incredibly emotionally healthy and effective cycle!

I don't believe James feels as bad as he should about the porn addiction and virtual infidelity because he doesn't usually act like he is or talk like he is.

I want to try to convince James that he was really bad for looking at porn et al. and that he should feel really bad!

I start a fight about how bad he is or about how bad he should feel.

He doesn't respond how he used to.  He takes responsibility for his actions instead of blaming it on me but if he can ignore what he did or how it made me feel he will.  Porn, Jen, etc. does not exist unless I bring it up.

I don't want to go through this cycle again.  It didn't work the first time.  I need to think about if I want  to stay married to someone who I don't believe really feels sorry about hurting me.

"What did you do today?"

My sister told me that last year when I called she wouldn't pick up the phone if she didn't have an answer to the question.  "What have you been doing?"  She didn't feel she could tell anyone the real answer to that question which was, "Oh, spending hours online on a forum for the wives of porn addicts."  So she wouldn't call me back until she had a non-porn related answer.

Last week I went to Europe with my husband on a work/vacation trip.  Now is not best time for us.  About a month ago my husband went through his inventory with me.  And I learned about a couple of new things he had not told me previously.  Then about a week later he told me more about an incident with his ex-girlfriend during our engagement.  He told me about something he had done with her that he has lied about for 22 years.  Something that he lied about directly to my face when I asked about it.  What I already knew about what happened has caused problems in our relationship because he refused to give up his relationship with her for years and shifted the blame for what happened to me for a couple of years.  And the crazy thing about hearing a lie for years is that you start to believe it even though the logical part of your brain says that what he says is ridiculous and it couldn't possibly be your fault.  The real damage was caused less by what they did then the aftermath.  The years of blame-shifting, lying, justifying, minimizing and refusing to give up the relationship.  We have only been able to really talk about our engagement and Jen during the last 3 months because he is less defensive and more humble.  But learning than he lied to my face repeatedly and that he was so strongly committed to keeping that relationship at the expense of ours for four or five years has made me feel a little dead inside.

I wasn't sure that I wanted to go with him to Europe.  Part of me wanted to enjoy him being gone.  But I had started making plans before he told me about Jen and I thought I would be ok.  And the trip was ok.  But the days he was working I just wanted to stay in the hotel room and not do anything.  But I felt I had to leave so the room could get cleaned less awkwardly and so I would have something to tell people at dinner when they asked me, "what did you do today?"  Because doing what I wanted to do - stay in bed all day and do nothing - isn't the kind of answer you can give without a porn related explanation.

Truth is the First Casualty

Trying to figure out what I should believe is hard.  I believed my husband was honest for years.  He says that he was honest ... mostly.  But since he was dishonest about some really big things that I asked him directly, should I consider him honest?  He thinks I should but I don't.  And that hurts his feelings even though he accepts responsibility for his actions.  He thinks that being mostly honest, and actually more honest with me than anyone else, means that he's honest and I think that being dishonest about some really big things (pornography and an old girlfriend during our engagement) means that he lied to me daily.

The truth hurts frequently.  It can leave you feeling like a knife has been thrust in your side and twisted as you realize - that is how he justified his actions, that is how he felt about me!  But I haven't changed so why should I believe his feelings and justifications for looking at porn and starting to look elsewhere has changed.  Maybe I should believe him but I don't.  And I only believe he loves me on good days.

Why Pioneer Day Is Not My Favorite Holiday

It's not my favorite holiday because that is the day I asked my husband, "when was the last time you looked at pornography?" And "how often do you look at it?"