I realized this truth today. He is not capable of fixing me, our relationship, or most importantly himself. There is not a quantifiable amount of regret he can display to help me feel that he understands the devastation he caused. And more importantly display enough regret for me to believe he is extremely motivated not to slip back into porn addiction! He does not have the ability to make up for his actions.
I really want to see remorse ... a lot of remorse! Enough remorse to overwhelm me and make me know that he is safe! That he has recovered. Unfortunately that is not in my husband's nature. Nor does our society make it safe for men to learn how to display that kind of remorse. And realistically ... how much would be enough for me? Maybe a half an hour every day for three months? Longer on the days I have more time? Honestly, if I don't know, how can he? Would I be willing to display that much remorse or do I just think I would "if I had ever done something so awful to someone I loved?"
I don't know if I will ever feel 100% safe enough in our relationship again.
Did I really ever feel that way?
But I know he is different than he was four months ago. He's better. I just don't know if I am.
****
Another day I'll write how Christ can make this up to me.
You're right. Your husband can't make this up to you. Ever. But, he can change for the better. That is what he can do. Like you alluded to at the end, Christ through the atonement is the only one who can make this right. Thankfully, He is able, more than able, to do that.
ReplyDeleteAs far as you, give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. You have suffered a devastating blow--dealing with betrayal trauma for your entire marriage--okay even before. That is a lot to cope with and heal from. One step at a time. Just be where you are. When you are ready, you will be able to move forward.
I love you! You are amazing and wonderful!
it's so frustrating that they can only make progress in baby steps, when we need huge gestures of love and leaps and bounds! I totally relate to this. I'm so sorry! I also feel like my hubs is getting better, and I am not. And THAT is infuriating and maddening!
ReplyDeleteThanks Eileen, you are wonderful!
ReplyDeleteCamilla, right! my husband said something about being ahead of me and I said that I'd only know about this stuff for 4 months and he'd known about it for a while. One of us had a lot of processing time.