"Some things you do still bug me," said James

Isn't it suppose to be much better now?  Doesn't recovery equal happiness? No, because we're still two people who have to live together but now we've got all this extra baggage.  And by baggage I mean a history of lies, addiction, selfishness and other crap that has been added to our already difficult twenty-three year history.

My marriage has never been fantastic.  The first two years completely sucked.  We didn't even get through our honeymoon without fighting.  The first two years of our marriage we each were waiting for the other person to leave.  The next three were slightly better.  Then came autism, traveling for work, moving across the country, and job stress and a couple of years when we were both happy when he traveled.

I'm touchy and he's a man.  I guess that can be a recipe for disaster.

But in spite of it all I guess I just figured we were married and we would stay together because well, we were married and autism and a sort of fatalistic "this is my life" mentality.  But addiction was whispering something different in my husband's ear.  It was whispering, "you deserve more."  And "she's not enough."  I love how addiction always tells someone that the problems come from without never from within.  I think I'm probably enough like my dad that I'm difficult to live with.  I'm touchy  and have a temper.  My husband had to learn fidelity and grew up in a family where admitting fault meant that you were a worthless human being.  I never felt that my husband was completely committed to me and he was tired of everything being his fault.  Yet somehow, I want to say stupidly but it's not accurate because I didn't know about his sexual addiction so I'll say, in my self-absorbed state I assumed we would continue to live in our discontented state of matrimony because I only thought about how unhappy I was and not how unhappy James was too.

Our first five years make so much more sense now that I understand addictive behaviors.  My reaction used to be to "fight" rather than "flight."  Addicts justify, minimize, shift-blame and  rationalize.  Add those behaviors to a belief that admitting fault equals worthlessness, stubbornness and a tendency to hold grudges you get the worse qualities of my husband.  Pair him with a person (me) who is incredibly immature, sensitive, has an aversion to being wrong or stupid, and has a really high bar to believe someone is really sorry .... Well, it's kind of amazing we're still married.  But over time my reaction started to become "flight" because the "fighting" wasn't getting me the reaction I wanted.  I think I was giving up.

I think we're both individually good people with a lot of good qualities but I'm not sure that we're such good people together.  Or is that just marriage?  Most other married people seem to be happier.  Is that true?  Or do I just not know about the addictions and other crap in their marriages?  Do I just feel like this because my "honeymoon" period lasted three days?

Meh

I feel kind of meh today.  Some women I know have posted today about their husbands looking at porn and not wanting the wives to tell anyone that they looked at porn.  Addicts kind of piss me off!  I would seriously want to smack my husband if he told me I couldn't work on my own recovery or tell people I needed for my support about his porn addiction.  Many addicts don't want their wives to tell anyone out of shame.  Which is completely understandable!  But it's not just the husband's (or wife's) problem.  It becomes the spouse's problem too.  My husband's porn addiction is my problem because it affects me and my children and my home!  It affects me if my husband lies to me, if I can't trust him.  If his actions changes.  If he acts like an addict and lies, minimizes, justifies, blame shifts, etc.

The affected spouse needs someone safe to talk to!  She cannot heal unless she has someone to talk to!  Her husband who is a porn addict is not that safe person.  If a spouse tells his wife she can't tell anyone he cares more about himself than her.  He is caught up in a shame cycle.  And he cares more about his reputation than the damage he has caused to his wife!  That addict is not in recovery.

My Unofficial Christmas Letter

This one is going to be about me.  I usually gloss over what I do because I don't like to brag but hey, I'm going for it!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas or Happy Late Hanukkah or Thankshanukkah or whatever you celebrate!  This has been an interesting and exciting year for us, full of minor fender benders Yes, even a little one including two of our own cars- one of which was parked.  Actually, both children have had an accident with another parked car in our driveway.  (I'm beginning to suspect our driveway is dangerous.)  A word of experience to all parents of future drivers out there.  It doesn't matter how responsible your child is, they will have an accident.  I recommend AAA's towing service. (And sometimes you will have to replace the tires on your daughter's car one by one as she manages to destroy 3 within one week's time.)

Our biggest news of the year was that I found out James was a porn addict.  Not the best news or what I ever expected to find out but sometimes you find out really sucky things!  So, I am pretty disappointed and disgusted and occasionally mad/sad/numb about that.  But the couple of days I just stayed in bed because of it, my husband stepped up and didn't complain.  Not that he really could have said anything.  I mean what would you say?  "Sweetie, I know you are laying in bed because you're super distraught over my virtual cheating, excessive porn use and beginning escalation but I'd really like you to make dinner."  No, you really can't.  Unless you are stupid.  So, clearly my husband had not lost complete functioning in his frontal lobes. YAY!

The good news is that James is on the path to recovery and has 4 months sobriety.  The bad news is that his frontal brain functioning is not yet 100% evidenced by his asking me if I wanted to celebrate his four month sober anniversary.  I obviously said, "Yes, why don't I give you a cookie every time you don't look at porn!"  Addicts are a little dumb.

I look forward to a year of chocolate, book reading, watching stupid TV and a porn-free husband.  

How pathetic is that?

In my opinion, only the porn-free husband because that should be taken for granted!

love,

Elizabeth

***I actually love that phrase: Porn-Free Husband it's like Free-Range Children but with a really vile allusion.  Now I have blog naming angst.  ARGGGG, maybe I should switch?

My Husband Cannot Make This Up To Me

I realized this truth today.  He is not capable of fixing me, our relationship, or most importantly himself.  There is not a quantifiable amount of regret he can display to help me feel that he understands the devastation he caused. And more importantly display enough regret for me to believe he is extremely motivated not to slip back into porn addiction!  He does not have the ability to make up for his actions.

I really want to see remorse ... a lot of remorse!  Enough remorse to overwhelm me and make me know that he is safe!  That he has recovered.  Unfortunately that is not in my husband's nature.  Nor does our society make it safe for men to learn how to display that kind of remorse.  And realistically ... how much would be enough for me?  Maybe a half an hour every day for three months?  Longer on the days I have more time?  Honestly, if I don't know, how can he?  Would I be willing to display that much remorse or do I just think I would "if I had ever done something so awful to someone I loved?"

I don't know if I will ever feel 100% safe enough in our relationship again.

Did I really ever feel that way?

But I know he is different than he was four months ago.  He's better.  I just don't know if I am.

****

Another day I'll write how Christ can make this up to me.